


Forgiveness (Can You Imagine)

by silverskyfullofstars



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky and Pepper are friends, Gen, Jewish Bucky Barnes, post-Tony's Funeral, they need to talk and make things right, we owe Steve an intervention to ask him what the hell he's thinking, we owe that to Tony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-04-06 07:58:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19058494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverskyfullofstars/pseuds/silverskyfullofstars
Summary: After the funeral, Bucky looks for Pepper.





	Forgiveness (Can You Imagine)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not organized enough in my thoughts to even try to address the shitshow that is Steve's Endgame ending, so I decided to step away from that and look at Bucky. Assuming the story follows canon (even if canon is crap), where's he going once Steve fucks off to the past?

After the funeral, Bucky looks for Pepper. People dressed in black are milling around, holding plastic cups of lemonade and plates of snacks like they don’t know what to do with them. Bucky can’t imagine why anyone would want a light dinner after a funeral, but he supposes people still have to eat.

 

He finds her sitting on the porch, her daughter’s hand clasped tightly in her own, rings shining in the sunlight reflecting off the lake. Her eyes are still wet, the blue a watery contrast to her daughter’s dark eyes. Bucky knows those eyes. They were Tony’s eyes, and his father’s before him. To Bucky, eyes that color hold stories even he can’t bring himself to tell.

 

“Honey, go sit with Happy, okay?” Pepper says softly, nudging her daughter off her lap. She hasn’t looked up, but she obviously knows he’s there. The little girl slides down and runs off, black dress flying behind her. She’s far too young to be mourning the loss of a father. Tony was, too.

 

Pepper looks up, expression composed. “Sergeant Barnes.”

“Just Bucky, ma’am.” He had planned to address her in the same formal manner, but he didn’t know if her last name had changed, and he knows now is the worst possible time to make a mistake.

“I’m sorry to bother you, especially today,” he says tentatively. “I… I just wanted to offer my condolences. I know we weren’t close, not at all, but I also know he was a good man. He was a hero.”

 

Pepper takes a moment to reply. For a second Bucky worries it’s because she hates him, but he realizes it’s because she’s crying. On instinct, he moves to hug her, the way he would have done with one of his sisters or Steve, but he pulls back at the last second. She’s grieving, and he killed her husband’s parents. If he were her, the last thing he’d want would be a murderer’s comfort.

 

“Thank you,” she manages, tears subsiding. She sits up straighter, and Bucky can see her steeling herself for a conversation. He decides to start with what he came to say.

“I, um. I never really got to apologize to Tony, for… everything. When he found out he was so angry, and then I was in hiding, and then Thanos happened…” He realizes he’s rambling, and he trails off.

“I need someone to hear that, someone close to him. I never got to tell him that I was sorry, I never told him that I understood his anger. I never told him he was right to be angry.”

 

Pepper shifts in her seat, and he stops talking, unsure. She stands up and turns towards the lake, motioning for him to follow.

“Tony forgave you, you know,” she says, leaning against the porch railing. “He told me. It was right after we got married, in those first few days when we were living in this house together. We were unpacking, and he found a photo of his parents. He broke down crying right there in the living room, talking about how he wished he could take it all back. He said he had a dream about his mother after he came back from Titan, and that she told him he would be okay as long as he could find it in himself to forgive. It’s the guilt that gets you, she said.”

 

Bucky understands. It really is the guilt. That’s why he’s here talking to her. That’s why he’s done everything he has since regaining his memories. It’s like Natalia told him once - they both have red in their ledgers to wipe out. He doesn’t know if he will ever be free of those scarlet letters, but he wants to lighten the stains as much as he can.

 

“Thank you,” he says quietly. It’s about all he can manage. “Thank you for telling me.”

She smiles, a little melancholy. “Thank you for telling me, too.”

 

He changes the subject, a little desperate to get away from her gratitude. Deep down, he doesn’t think he deserves it.

“So… is your daughter doing okay? I know it’s weird for me to ask, but she reminds me of my sisters, and she’s so young for all of this.”

Pepper looks over to where Peter is playing with Morgan, balancing her precariously on his shoulders so she can have a conversation with Bruce at his Hulk height. She’s able to smile a little at that.

“Morgan’s doing fine, better than I expected. It was hard to tell her that Daddy’s not coming home, but Carol - Captain Danvers - told her something about Tony always being in the stars, and I think that helped her a lot.”

“My ma used to say things like that,” he tells her. “My sisters were pretty young when our grandmother died, and Becca took it pretty hard until Ma told her to look for Bubbe in the small, happy things. Sunshine, laughter, candle flames, the smell of bread baking… the stars. That’s one of my favorite memories I got back.”

 

Bucky surprises himself even as he says it. He’s never shared this much with anyone besides Steve, Shuri, T’Challa, and his various doctors and therapists. Pepper looks surprised, too.

“I didn’t know you had sisters,” she said. “How old?”

“We were all three or so years apart - me, then Rebecca, then Miriam, then Esther. I was the oldest, and the only boy. Last I checked, Becca was still alive and living in Indiana, but it’s been five years since then.”

He looks over at Morgan, still playing in the grass. “She reminds me a lot of them. All of us had dark hair, and Miri and Estie had Ma’s brown eyes, too. Becca and I got Dad’s blue.”

 

Bucky can see them in the back of his mind as clearly as if they were right in front of him. Becca and Steve doing homework at the dinner table when he came home, Miri and Estie running and jumping to catch him as he came through the door. He remembers Miri’s braids swinging as she ran with a half-finished book in her hand, Estie laughing and begging for a piggyback ride. God, Morgan reminds him so much of her, how small she looked at only seven when he was sixteen and already working.

 

Pepper’s voice calls him back to himself, pulling him out of his memories. She’s not smiling, but there’s a little more light in her eyes.

“You really loved them, didn’t you?”

“More than anything.”

 

There’s a pause while they gather themselves. It’s a lot, dipping into those memories.

 

“Bucky, I don’t mean to bring up old ghosts, but I’m glad you’re saying all this. I know it’s a little late, but if Tony’s able to listen I’m sure he’s here now, and he’s probably so relieved to hear you’re doing well… Tony always felt so much. He didn’t show it, but that’s probably because the empathy and love ran so deep he didn’t know what to do with it. It stayed with him, what happened to you, and I owe you one for lightening his emotional load, even now.”

 

Bucky can feel himself tearing up at that. In Wakanda, he’d read up on Stark, feeling like he owed him that after everything. He had wanted to create his own image of the man, not remember him like he was at the Hydra base. Even through text, pictures, and video, it had been clear to Bucky how much Tony Stark cared, even if he tried his best not to show it. 

 

It was time, he thought, to pay some of that kindness back. He turns to Pepper and looks her straight in the eyes.

 

“Pepper, I owe him a debt for his forgiveness. Even I haven’t forgiven myself. The best thing I can possibly think of to make it right is to make sure his daughter is safe for the rest of her life. I want to stay here. I know it’s a forward request, but it’s the one thing he can’t guarantee her now, and speaking as one of the most dangerous people on the planet, I can give it in his place.”

 

“Why?” Pepper asks him. “Why you, why now? What do you mean?”

Bucky looks across the lawn to Steve, who’s trying his best to reconnect with Sam.

“I… I’m only an Avenger because of Steve. He’s practically the whole reason I’m alive. But I can see he’s drifting. Something changed on those time-travel trips. He’s distant, and I don’t think he’s gonna be here for me much longer. I’ve gotta move on, too.”

 

It takes effort to say it, but he does. “One of these days, he’s gonna come up to me and say he’s leaving. Not coming back. I know him, he’s gonna try to hand me that shield of his, and I plan on handing it right back and telling him to go give it to Sam. I’ve had a long life, not all of it good. I need to rest, and to make amends.”

“So this is your penance?” Pepper asks.

“No. This is my reward. I just want peace. I miss having a family around me. I miss feeling safe, I miss feeling like I can make people safe. I’m looking for a home, and no offense, Pepper, but you look like you might need a couple extra hands right now. I’ve got nowhere to be, no one else to follow. Hell, I’ve got so much money I’m not spending that I’ll be the coolest uncle Morgan’s ever had.”

 

Pepper laughs a bit at that. “You’ll have to get her that bike she’s been asking for. She can’t seem to decide between princesses or Iron Man.”

Bucky laughs at that, a real laugh, like he used to laugh before Thanos. “Guess I’ll have to find her a Princess Iron Man bike. Know anyone who’s got pictures of Stark in a dress?”

“You know, I’ll bet they’re out there,” Pepper quips. “The tabloids in the early 2000s had everything you could imagine.”

 

It’s a strange sight, the two of them on the porch. Pepper in her black dress with tear tracks and a smile, and Bucky smiling right back. Six or seven years ago, no one would have imagined that the Winter Soldier could sit next to the wife of a man whose parents he killed. No one would have thought each side could forgive the other. But sitting there on that porch swing, Bucky feels the lightest he has in years. Come what may, he’s got a new friend and a new home, and he’s finally on his way to making amends.

 

_ Goodbye, Tony _ , he thinks. _ See you in the stars _ .

**Author's Note:**

> I just feel like Bucky would have all this stuff he never got to say to Tony, and he'd want Pepper to hear all that. She's just gone through hell, and I feel like he can offer her a helping hand and she can offer him a quiet home. I want them to be BFFs. Bucky deserves a cool best friend if Steve's gonna be a dick.
> 
> Sam doesn't count, he and Bucky are still pretending they hate each other.
> 
> Also, sorry for my passive-aggressive Steve comments, but I'm mad at him. I love his character so much, and that was just not it? Not cool, writers. I have Things to Say.
> 
> I'm considering continuing this, let me know if I should!


End file.
